“Abba, Father,” he said, “everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”Mark 14:36
Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.Mark 14:38
This is what Jesus says at Gethsemane to Peter, James and John. This is what Jesus is saying to us. Jesus knew what was coming and prayed to God His Father, crying out to Him and even in these moments, He says, “Yet not what I will but what you will.”
This is pure love. Faith. Trust. Surrender.
As I prayed, cuddled in for the night, ready to begin my last ritual of my evening, I asked, as I do, that God help me to share what was in my heart in hopes that in the sharing, an answer might come.
I opened my Bible and read Mark 14 again. My mind could not let go of one scripture: Mark 14:38 – Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
The words wouldn’t come.
I spoke with a trusted sister about how this made me feel (the scripture, not the lack of words), how deep my love for God is and how content and joyous reading, studying and sharing God’s Word is for me, and yet how I also felt upon reading Mark, a deep shame. God’s love is so perfect, I want to reflect that goodness and joy so that others can see, and yet every day I must still ask for forgiveness anew because of my weaknesses and my sins.
If I tell you how incredibly over-full I am with all that is happening in my life, since my surrender, will you understand?
I am not sure I can put it into words. I’ve tried so many times, to share it with my mentor, my children, my mother, and here with you, and as I read what I’ve written each time, it is not enough. It is just so… big.
Without the blinders over my eyes and God’s Word so strong in my heart, my daily sins are a constant frustration for me. I’m working on it! But the other overwhelming part of me that is filled to bursting is full of fear, awe and joy and that is what makes me so still and quiet.
Sharing it with you, this feeling that has come with my surrender, is such a small part of the whole. I am sitting back, each day, and watching my life unfold. The Holy Spirit is helping me to be still and wait and as I wait the glory of God’s blessings, His wisdom and His purpose, are breathtaking in that only the Master could make something so beautiful from something so ruined.
This is to urge you: if you ever need encouragement, just breathe and call on the Lord, call out to the Holy Spirit that God placed in you. Call out, so that you too can be helped to still your body and mind and rest, so that you too can watch and rejoice in His love. Because no matter what we pray for, worry over, work towards, if we really leave it in God’s hands, He will bless and keep us.
It is frightening for me. Is it for you? I feel almost as if I will float away without the load I hadn’t realized I was carrying. I still have two jobs, I still work very hard and keep our home welcoming. I have responsibilities and obligations. But the worry over if I am making a good decision or not, or how will I do this or that; those pressures, worries and anxious thoughts are simply not there.
So as I continue to pray, study the Word and call out to the Lord when I feel weak, I am happy. I hope you are too. If you aren’t here yet, not quite to the point of surrendering everything to God, the Creator of everything with the perfect plan, just know in your heart and mind that He is waiting for you.
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.John 3:16-17
I am saved and I am surrendered. It is an absolutely amazing and beautiful fact.